Monday, August 17, 2015

How to tell if your in an Edward Gorey book

As a child, you found yourself in a near constant state of existential threat, often caused by your parents’ party guests or abnormal creatures you met on bicycle rides.
One day, when you are sitting down to tea, you are surprised to read in the paper that a once-thought-to-be-dead great aunt has caused a scandal in the capital city of a small European country you can’t quite place on the map.
The most prominent pieces of furniture in your home are a fainting couch and a large vase of half dead ferns.
As an infant, you were very nearly whisked away down a gutter while sitting in an umbrella during a rainstorm. You were saved at the last moment by a passing dog. No one seemed in the least concerned or surprised by any of this.
You wouldn’t dream of leaving the house without black eyeliner on both your top and bottom lids. The thicker the better.
Although your family lived in an impeccable house in the country, you greatly enjoyed spending time in the city with your aunt, who was of dubious morality and took you to the opera.
Until you were in college you didn’t realize there were causes of death that couldn’t be described as “suspicious” or “likely foul play.”
All your sneakers are high-tops. All your coats are fur.
A creature with very few defining characteristics beyond its scarf, sneakers, and horrible manners showed up at your home a few days ago. It shows now signs of leaving, and you aren’t quite sure what to do. You choose to simply ignore it.

You would have come from great wealth, had your maternal grandfather not lost his fortune in a sudden and entirely unexpected fall from grace. The only remnant of your family’s former status was a silver hat brooch, which was stolen by a thug high on opium several winters ago.
You grew up in a workhouse, but at a young age you insinuated yourself with a criminal element that has allowed you to improve your station.
Shadows make you anxious, and you avoid them just in case they are concealing someone who means you ill.
You and your siblings enjoyed games that included just the slightest hint of cruelty. None of you listened when large birds warned you against such behavior.
You were raised to believe anything was possible, but in a threatening sort of way that meant seemingly inanimate objects could pose very real danger.- Full article